"THE SYNCHRONIZER"

TRANSCRIPTION

PROLOGUE
C.V. So we recorded all that, by the way...
D.L. Yes
C.V. OK... OK...
D.L. Hmm
C.V. Ha ha I feel like an idiot.
D.L. Oh really? You could have fooled me...
C.V. Yeah, you're both waiting there for something like...
D.L. I'm getting sunburnt here.
C.V. No turn it on. Turn it on.
D.L. Wait...
C.V. It's recording David.
D.L. You're...
C.V. It's RECORDING !
D.L. Well of course it is; it doesn't stop.
C.V. Well I have to say it now, DON'T TURN THE LIGHTS OUT !!!

ONSCREEN TEXT
Welcome to the world of found connections where Truth is an easy contiguity,
dangling tenaciously over the abyss.


CHAPTER ONE
TITLE "Ceci n'est pas... "
Tranlation: "This is not..."

JOKE
C.V. David, ask me "What's the secret of a good joke?"
D.L. What's the secret of a good joke?
C.V. TIMING! Ask me again.
D.L. What's the sec...
C.V. TIMING!

ORGASM SEQUENCE /
TITLE: "Ceci n'est pas une pipe..."
Translation: This is not a pipe OR ! This is not a blow job.

CHAPTER TWO
TITLE: "Vital Statistics"

RED RIDING HOOD/ BIG BAD ROBOT
C.V. Ooooh Robbie, what big eyes you have.
D.L. All the better to make it look like I can see...
C.V. Who made him say that?

BOOTSCOOTING SEQUENCE
TITLE: "MAN MUST MEASURE"
ONSCREEN TEXT
"Summer is almost here, and like 90% of all girls, you're probably hibernating like a big fat groundhog! Change your skin, your head, your look. Correct all your body's little faults. Get to it! You've only got 45 days left to become... MISS BIKINI 95."

JANE FONDA'S COMPLETE WORKOUT SEQUENCE

SPOKEN
"Here we go! Once again. Walk. Right. Walk. Right. Backwards. Now we take two steps backwards. We're off! We come backwards to the same spot. We bend our knees. It's good! YES! We're off! Backwards. Breathe. Right leg OUT! And pump and pump and pump and touch. Beat out the tempo with your arms. Yep! Bring you're knees close. Choo Choo Yeah! We go backwards and HEP! Ooooh. Shall we do it again?"

FAMOUS GIRL NAMES SEQUENCE

SPOKEN and ILLUSTRATED
"Little Red Riding Hood Little Miss Moffet Madonna Pavlova Little BoPeep
Scarlett O'Hara Piaf Cinderella Patti Labelle Paradis V.
G. Lolabrigita Gidget n' Twiggy
Lydia Lunch Koo Stark Barbarella
Ding Dong Diamanda
Princess Erika
Mother can Sprinkle
Annie Theresa
Aaaaah!"

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGER'S SEQUENCE

SPOKEN
" You need muscles. You need legs. You need a powerful back. You need a Christmas tree, bushes mountains, valleys. And also... A BANANA SPLIT!
I'm big and I have a big carcass.
Who doesn't suffer, doesn't win.
If I can conquer myself, I 'm sure to be the conqueror.
No easy road for me you know.
To be able to suffer MORE than your adversary...
Come on baby, NO PAIN. PAIN!
In terms of work and training, he sets a serious example.
The Great White Hope.
I 've studied every detail of what I consume: the exact quantity of calorie, protein, sugar, fat. Eating's become a precise science for me; now I know my body completely.
MORE PAIN than your competitor.
MORE PAIN than your competitor.
Tight with the elbows. Hep Come on baby NO PAIN...
Get him Hooch Hooch One more. NO PAIN OOOH AAARRGH... BITCH!

ONSCREEN TEXT "NO BRAIN NO PAIN"

CHAPTER THREE
TITLE "Running on Empty"

FROM ONE OF FRANCE'S LARGEST PHARMACEUTICAL COMPANIES IN 1996...
THE MANAGING DIRECTOR'S NEW YEAR WISHES

SPOKEN
" Essential to a company... the value of its men.
And their greatest value... to put themselves on TRAIL
To perfect themselves in order to become the BEST
For only the best will win.
And a company wins If it has the men who are the BEST among all others. CEASSLESSLY scrutinize yourselves
CEASSLESSLY express your desire to WIN.
Your desire to CONQUER!
With a rock-solid team...
A team that will question itself EVERY DAY...
We shall thus be better than our competitors
For indeed that is the objective:
Tbe better than all others, in the interest of OUR company YOUR company.
Thank you, and above all enjoy the conference.

VOICEOVER HEINER MULLER
"Then came my father. He said I shouldn't win the prize."
ONSCREEN ANIMATED TEXT
"Speed/Faster/Death/Disaster/Fuck/This/Video"

A WORD FROM THE SPONSOR...
"PLEASURE! DANGER! And fun for all the family! Yes those silly clowns are at it again in another rib-tickling comedy from "UP-YOUR FACE" pictures entitled "The Synchronizer". "THE SYNCHRONIZER", a video about you and you and you, is on sale right outside this cinema, and you can get it for only 9,99! And for the first lucky few, this one-size-fits-all elegant T-shirt in 3 models: "STANDARD", "ORGASM", and "BANANA SPLIT". Hurry hurry while offers last: GET WITH IT, GET INTO IT, AND GET SYNCHRONIZED.

CHAPTER FOUR
TITLE "What you eat today, walks and talks tomorrow"

"LADY" SEQUENCE

The lady with the lamp
The lady is a tramp
Ladies' day
Lay lady lay
Our lady of mercy
Ladies in waiting
Three old ladies locked in the lavetory
Once, twice, three times a lady
The dark lady
The iron lady
Lady luck
The lady of the Camelias
The lady of the lake
Lady Marmarlade
Good-night ladies
Good-night sweet ladies

"MAN" SEQUENCE

A man of words and not of deeds
Is like a garden full of weeds
A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do
Fight like a man
A man of means
An officer and a gentleman
A man of the world
Man to man
It's a man's man's world
An Englishman's home is is castle
Hey man!
Mankind
A lady's man
Stand by your man
A good man is hard to find
A hard man is good to find
A man for all seasons
Mister Olympia
Mister Universe
Mister Men!
Can't help lovin' that man of mine...
I'm waitin' for my man
The man in the iron mask
Mankind...
Man'slaughter???

CHAPTER FIVE
TITLE "Propaganda"
ONSCREEN TEXT "Where the girls more synchro than the boys?"

PAUSE KAREOKE
SUNG

"Hitler, had only got one ball
Gšring had two but very small
Himmler had somewhat similar
But poor old Goebbels had no balls at all!

VOICEOVER
"Ce qu'on essaie de faire, c'est de creer le corps parfait"

TRANSLATION
"What we are trying to do, is create the perfect body"

LENI THE SIREN'S SONG
SUNG
" O'er the ocean lies a merry fee
Soft her wings are as a clouded day
As she passes all the blue waves say
Marianina made of stone
Wither wither is your home
Come and turn us into foam
Marianina, Marianina
Come, oh come and turn us into foam"

CHAPTER SIX
TITLE "Not a Barnacle on the Ship of Progress"


END CREDITS SONG
"SHIP OF FOOLS"

"I wanna tell you all about a t'riffic little game
It's based on the idea that everything's the same
That numbers count, so when we're all together we can win
"Win what?", you ask, well don't, or else we will not let you in!

Our ship is called "The Progress"
And we've no doubt at all
That we will break all records
We're the fastest ship of all YEAH!

Faster than fairies, faster than witches
We're gonna whip those sons o' bitches !
Ship ahoy
Ship ahoy
I'm a girl
And you're a boy.

Now maybe you've been askin' where this ship is headin' for...
We're goin' to the top my friends, we're goin' to wage WAR!
On all that's dumb 'n slow 'n vague
We're gonna get this world in shape
We're gonna make things happen
Gonna make things happen...
Gonna make things happen only when we want them to
And if you want to dance all nite, take one of these,
TAKE TWO! Tomorrow you can sleep all day if you take one of these
Or try a month on this one: you'll cum each time you sneeze YEAH!

We're gonna be on time
We're gonna conquer space
You know it's no coincidence
We're called the human race
THE RACE
THE RACE
The race has just begun
But now that time and space are won
We know that we're already One
Our TV's told us so
TV's the way to go
And if you don't believe me man You know where you can go !

Land ho!
Land ho!

Cathy VOGAN 1996